Our Story

When Sylvie was adopted at age two, she knew one word in Cantonese. She had needs and was desperate to make them known.

Although I had parented two biologic sons and read every book available to prepare me to parent an adopted child, I was desperately under-prepared to parent a child who had suffered trauma and neglect. The intervention systems and mental health systems seemed to also be under-prepared to help us. My professional background in audiology and speech-language pathology prepared me to immerse her in language. Although typically hearing she used more than seventy signs before she spoke her first English word. When she did finally get brave enough to try to produce an English word, it was a three-word sentence! However, no one told me the importance of teaching her emotion words. She knew how only how to navigate getting her physical needs met.

 While her English vocabulary was growing, so were the intensity of her tantrums. One of the most bewildering parts of parenting Sylviah was trying to navigate the big feelings that come with an extremely dysregulated nervous system – something that often accompanies children who have a trauma history.  Things I assumed would make her happy seemed to scare her. Things I thought would make her sad would cause rage that could last for hours. Nearing hopelessness, I enrolled in an intensive graduate certificate program in Infant and Family Mental Health through the University of Wisconsin - Madison. Here I learned that communication only develops in the context of relationship. Sylviah had missed out on years of social language and experiences that come from having a primary parent.  This meant that for us to deepen our relationship, we had to expand her language development to include words that helped describe her internal experiences. One day, when Sylviah was about four years old, I sat down with her to try to articulate some of the common experiences that seemed to cause the most distress. Sylviah and I slowly crafted the pages of this book together.

She needed to be seen and heard in her authentic experience of going to birthday parties, playing with friends, learning new skills, making mistakes etc. Using this book transformed our relationship. I mean it! Her anger and frustration dissolved as I was able to understand how she truly felt. Feeling scared, rather than excited about a birthday invitation wasn’t wrong or right. It just was her experience. The use of this book over time book grew the complexity of her emotional intelligence. She started to demonstrate emotional complexity. She could be disappointed AND angry. She could be excited AND scared. Maybe most importantly she LOVED this book. She would ask to read it over and over again. She would get it when she was struggling to be understood. This book not only supported Sylvie’s emotional intelligence and language development, but it also facilitated our connection and relationship. We want to give other families that experience, too.